If I Call

I couldn’t carry the weight any longer.

Or maybe I didn’t want to.

Probably both.

PTSD is like a 600 pound monstrosity. Yet I can get my arms around it. I lift with my legs and back and move it out of the way every day.

It is part of my story.

I have shouldered this burden for over 4 years.

I have been in counseling with several therapists; individual, family, marital, EMDR. All to relearn how to live again.

Trauma changes the pathways in the brain. Neurons fire like bullets fly in a war zone and bridge new synapses never meant by the good Lord to be crossed. By design, yes, the brain constructs self-protective ramparts. Living in a sin-saturated world, these back-up plans come in to play.

Maybe there is something in my being that was less resilient to begin with. Maybe previous unnamed traumas had left me unknowingly suseptible to PTSD.

WHY do I have PTSD? There’s question I have learned not to touch with a ten foot pole.

Recently I have experienced victories in that arena-

Learning to live with PTSD.

And spiritually, it is a place the devil wages his most forcible rape of my heart. His attack is violent, bloodthirsty and murderous. He isn’t interested in shaming me or injuring me.

I am his enemies daughter and Satan delights in seeing me slaughtered.

Between the natural order of the brain and it’s response to injury and the supernatural at work,this momma who watched her biological babies be tortured because they extended love to hearts that refused to receive, became so burdened with that weight that she broke,

And is crippled,

Maimed permanently.

Mom isn’t the same and I will never be again.

Post traumatic stress disorder overrides my executive functioning in times of fighting in the arena.

I want to think. I am an intelligent person but my intelligence is closed off in the dogfight the demons engage me in. The lies assail me that I am utterly alone. Intrusive thoughts scream the world is a dangerous place and I am minutes from yet another vile offense.

The timing may be off but the reality is that the hurt happened. So what is to stop it again,

And again?

Will YOU stop it from happening?

You SAY you will.

But I can not forget, the protective sector won’t let me forget,

That it happened over and over again when you were at work,

For years, I was

Kicked, scratched, spit at, shoved, slapped, bit,…

…cursed out, taunted, dismembered by words,

…the mirrors thrown, shattered at my feet, the windows kicked out, the car jumped from,

The bleach I accidentally drank when I left my cup on the counter.

This all happened to me by little kids, ten and thirteen years old.

And it continues daily –

The triangulation, lies, manipulation, stealing, sneaking, and violation of every safe space.

It’s still happening!

So when I cry,…

howl, scream, wail, sob,

Or if I call for you

please scoop me up in your arms, hold me tight, securely.

And talk – loudly and clearly, speak truth over top the thoughts screaming in my head. The silence from you is unbearable because all I hear are the haunting lies that brought me here.

I am strong.

I am have many victories.

I have dodged many melees in the arena of my mind, heart, and soul.

But I am not Jesus.

He is invincible and I am not.

He is a mighty fortress, unpenetrable, and I am not.

He is undefeatable and I am not.

I am full of faults and selfishness.

I am breakable, fragile at times.

So if I call for you,

Please set aside your anger and keep your promises.

Please be your best for me

Or try.

If I call for you.

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