I found your parents…

Dear F and M-

I found them. And yes, your mom is alive. I honestly thought by this time … 14 years since she was pregnant with you F… And hearing of her health and weight issues – I did not expect her to be alive. And I REALLY didn’t expect them to live in walking distance from the courthouse where they so frequently didn’t bother to visit you. They had a reunification plan created by their own attorneys. And the state’s. The plan was monthly visits at a building close to the courthouse… And very close to their home.

They are not married but have stayed together. Maybe. They love each other the best they can or know how.

It is not a nice place to live. It isn’t a nice neighborhood. Your grandma’s house looks unliveable. Yet someone else, also in dire straits – a Hispanic man- lives in a tiny back section of the house requiring a blue tarpover top of the shack. So it must leak. I wonder if Nelda and Franki visit. I wonder how she is doing in that deplorable structure.

Your grandpa Arnel died 11 years ago at age 56. And you have 2 aunts and an uncle. One aunt lives in Ft. Lauderdale, one in the same neighborhood of Ft. Pierce as your mom and dad. And a young uncle, Stanley- 22- lives in Kansas.

After doing a driveby about 34 times and hoping to see the people who hurt you, neglected you, scarred the hearts of you both so severely that you won’t let me be your mom, I ended up at the beach near by. I opened my car door and a tiny girl’s sandal was abandoned right where I stepped. I held up the small shoe and wondered what you looked like Melinda, as a toddler. I wondered if I had raised you from ittle- bitty, would you still have rejected your adoptive family’s love and care? I grieved the loss of your childhood, not knowing you then, not protecting you then.

I was in Ft. Pierce during the summer of 2018, running from…

You, Freddie. You had recently begun to fill the role of trauma maker. You weren’t big, loud and frightening as your sister had been but sneaky, lying, scarier in a way I couldn’t be at home at home. So I would get up early, teach kids in China at 5 am, stay busy behind a computer screen with headphones for several hours and then leave.

Just go.

State parks. Beaches. Museums. Benches on sidewalks. Safe public places. Sometimes unsafe public places. Like above mentioned state parks but alone hours from home, no one are of where I was. THAT seemed safer than home. I was threatened and poisoned by you at home Freddie.

Yes, I know where your wounding and wounded parents live. It is all so very sad. Lots of trauma. And we now suffer from the effects of their neglect. They suffer from neglect as well. Your mom was also removed from her parent’s care by DCF. Records state your dad was thrown in a fire by family. I can’t make this stuff up.

And some would say I shouldn’t share your story.

But it in MY story too.

It’s mine to share in hopes that utter transparency drives people to love deeper with greater compassion.

For the hurt and neglected children.

For adoptive families.

You are so loved Freddie and Melinda.

By you heavenly Father.

By your adoptive mother.

I’ve found your Mom.

I am here.

I have boundaries now.

But I will never stop loving the two little humans that came into our hearts at age 5 and 6.

Ya’ll are now 14 and 15.


I pray you find your way home one day.

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